Like a Red Red Rose

I wrote this during the week of the Republican National Convention and since a good number of people are posting about Political stuff, I thought I would chime in with some mere venting....

I hate politics

Last week, I spent almost every night of the week watching the Democratic National Convention. I agreed with a lot of what Obama, both Clintons, and Biden said. Those points I won’t get into here for they are irrelevant to my venting.  For the majority of the time that I have been able to vote, I have voted Democrat. Growing up was hell around election time. My mom is Democrat and my Dad is Republican. Both are passionate about their parties and think that anyone who doesn’t vote the way that they do is stupid.  In order to be fair, I have attempted to watch the Republican National Convention and I’m sorry, they sound like they are selling something and they insult their rivals like 10 year old children.  I used to have a lot of Respect for Rudi Guiliani, especially for the way that he handled 9/11/01, but the way he presented himself tonight was like one of a really bad used car sales man. I have gotten tired of the name calling and attacking that the republicans have been doing. I may be wrong, but I do not recall the Democrats name calling or calling Senator McCain irresponsible or unqualified,  and I feel like that is ALL Rudi Gulliani did. I haven’t been able to watch the Republican Convention without getting Mad and/or nauseous and turning it off, even though, if they are telling the truth,  the Republicans have some valid points concerning Obama. 

My Dad, Step-mother , and I went out for dinner tonight and Patty, my step-mother, asked me if I had been watching the conventions.  I told them yes, but knowing my dad, I quickly said that I’m not voting for either  candidate. I was going to just write in my uncle’s name as a write in vote.  Know, damn well that I am going to vote for Obama. I believe in him and Joe Biden and I know that they will do what is right for this country, reguardless of whether or not Obama has served in the military.  When I asked why the hell Senator McCain chose Sarah Palin as a running mate, my Dad said “Well, she’s better than Obama. She has run a state. Obama hasn’t done shit while in Washington and he hasn’t even been Governor.”  Well, I quickly changed the subject since I believe politics is not something that you should talk about with the ones that you really love.

So now the question becomes, Who is right? Is Senator McCain more qualified to be president because he “sided with the president 90% of the time” or that he has served in the military and was a POW?  Or is Senator Obama the better candidate because of what he stands for and what he wants to do with where our country is going. I think that Senator McCain needs to listen to the part of Obama’s acceptance speech on Thursday night where he said something along the lines of “It doesn’t matter if you are Republican, Democrat, or Independent, WE ALL LOVE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and We are ALL PROUD TO BE AMERICAN! Senator McCain and the republican party: I would take you guys more seriously if you guys would just stop acting like a bunch of whiney school kids.  My advice: GROW THE FUCK UP and fight like good little children.

That was another thing that I don’t get.  I only thought that CHILDREN fought. My mother always told me that a sign of maturity was the ability to talk out problems, the ability to compromise, and that children fought. So once again: Play nicely like good little boys and girls.  

 

This is an entry that I wrote quite a while ago, but decided to go ahead and post on here too:

Have you ever wondered how your life would have turned out if you had done things differently or had made different choices? Today, I was checking out a myspace profile and I watched this video that was a winter guard routine about phobias. It was freaking awesome! Then, my mind (and fingers) wondered to the Drum Corps International (DCI) page. I looked over at my rifle that I still have from high school and couldn't beat the urge. I got up from my computer, went over to it, picked it up and just started spinning it. I had forgotten what it was like to spin it. The feel of it almost brought tears to my eyes. I had forgotten that one of my favorite sounds is the sound that the rifle makes as the strap meets my hand and the strap meets the wood of the rifle. (The WHAAP!) Well, I never got to perform in a show with my rifle. (With the exception of the senior night football game. But that wasn't during the actual show. Mr. Tucker, the band teacher said that I could toss my rifle in the air instead of tossing my flag into the air like the other seniors on the Flag Corps did. )  The rifle brought back memories of being at James River (Midlothian) where the band and colorguard were great! We worked hard to achieve perfection... or at least that's what it felt like. I went to JRHS for my freshman and half of my sophomore years of high school. A school that was VERY into their music program. Not only was the band great, but it was home to quite a few show choirs. I had the guts (or I was crazy enough) to try out for Colorguard Captain right after the marching season had ended my freshman year. No, of course I didn't get it, but I really wasn't expecting to be chosen for the position. I merely wanted the experience of auditioning for it, so that when it came to be my time to audition my junior year, I would be ready. I was thrilled that the two people that taught me how to twirl did get chosen as captains. Mr. Stegner (band director at JRHS) pulled me aside and told me that he was impressed with what I had come up with in such a short amount of time for someone who had just started twirling almost a year before. He assured me that he would want me as a captain not my senior year, but my JUNIOR year! Meaning that the next time that I auditioned and interviewed for the position, he would pick me! (I'm pretty sure that he was truthful in telling me this... because I was one of the colorguard members that he actually liked)

Then.... my mom got married to my step-father, Jack. He ended up not being able to find a job here in Richmond, so Mom and I had to pack up and move to Roanoke! Life at JRHS had just started to look up for me. I had a good group of friends (even though I don't talk to hardly any of them anymore), I was in one of the show choirs (not the one that I wanted to be in... but oh well), Some of the colorguard members were talking about starting Winter Guard back up so I was excited about that, Dance classes where going great, then it all ended when we had to move.  I had to kiss my Captain title good bye along with my friends and a great music program. How in the hell was I going to survive all of these sudden changes? Was I going to be able to be somebody in Roanoke and not just another face on the field? I was so mad at my mom for making me move. I wasn’t one of the popular people in school, I was picked on a lot. I wanted to be Colorguard Captain to show them and myself that I could be in a leadership role and be good at it. I had learned leadership skills from being in Girl Scouts and watching the upper classmen in the leadership positions do their thing.  I wanted it more than anything.

Mom and Jack let me be involved with choosing a house, picking a High School, etc. I chose Cave Spring High School (CSHS) because, that was the school that Patty (my step-mother), Sarah and Amy (my step-sisters) went to. So I wanted to be a Knight too! I got there in time to audition for and make it onto the Flag Corps. The music department was so small! There was ONE choir, band Camp was different, the Marching Band was smaller and I had to tweak up my marching skills since this was a Flag Corps and not a Colorguard. I realized what Stegner had meant when he had said that the Regiment had a higher standard than everyone else. The CSHS Marching Band was so laid back. We marched in step and everything, but there was a definitely a different feel to it.  My senior year rolled around and I applied for one of the Flag Corps Captain positions, only to hear that it was not based on talent and leadership skills, but on popularity. Here I was, I had one full year more experience and nope... didn't get it. Yes, I was upset. Then, while at Band Camp, our corps instructor, Bev, needed some help coming up with choreography for the show. I offered to help, so Bev let me listen the tape. I listened to the tape once, then got up and just started to let the moves flow.  I ended up Choreographing 3/4ths of the show. I taught our instructor and the girls how to do a few moves and felt like I was an asset to the Corps. I didn’t get any recognition for what I did, which I was upset about.  At VBODA competition, the Corps received their first Superior rating in a good number of years. Since our two Captains had GONE HOME TO GET READY FOR THE HOMECOMING DANCE, I asked Bev if I could go down with the drum majors to accept the award for the Corps. She said that I couldn’t because I was not a Captain and that Mr. Tucker wouldn’t allow it. Not only was I upset, I was offended. The choreography that I had come up with had gotten us that award and I wasn’t even allowed to accept it?! Another thing that I missed about JRHS was competing! Yes, I know that winning isn't everything and the number of trophies doesn’t account for how good your band or guard is. But I just missed the thrill of competing. I missed doing my make up on the bus and performing the show with every last ounce of energy that I had in my body. Not to say that I didn't perform during the half time shows because I did. But performing during a half time show at a football game is different than Performing and taking the field in competition. Not to mention the RUSH when you actually WIN!

I have said all of that to go into this: What would have happened if I had really looked at the schools that were in the Roanoke area? Would I have found a better music and theater program at a school like Salem? If I had gone to Salem, would have I discovered DCI (since Salem High School hosts a stop on the DCI tour during the summer) before I actually left high school and go to South Carolina and auditioned for the Carolina Crown? Traveling the nation while doing what I love? Would I have been in a play like I have always wanted? Would I have gotten to do Winter Guard just to keep doing what I love? It's funny. I auditioned for colorguard at JRHS so that a friend of mine would know someone. I did it as a favor to her when I really wasn't interested in being on the colorguard. I wanted to be on the Dance Team. I laugh with her about it now saying that I went into it kicking and screaming (not literally) and now, it's all I want to do. I would do anything to perform or to share my love for this with others. I miss dancing too. I miss sweating my ass off in class and on the stage. I just miss performing. Sometimes, I wish I could just do it all again. Not that I'm saying that Cave Spring wasn't wonderful! Because it was! I made great friends while I was there. I have A LOT MORE friends that I keep in touch with from CSHS than JRHS. I just wish that I could have combined the friends from Cave Spring and the Music and Arts department(s) from James River.  

But then again, if I had made different decisions, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I would probably be still dancing and/or going to school for dancing like I pictured my life being when I was younger, that is after performing with a Drum Corps, or Dancing/Singing on Broadway. But more importantly, I wouldn’t have Tommy and that is the only reason why I’m glad that things have gone the way that they have. I would not trade him for the world! He is my reason for living. Whenever I feel depressed and feel like I can’t go on. I look into his eyes or look at his picture and I know that my life has a purpose.   

*sigh* maybe I just need to go outside with my flag and my rifle and just have some fun.

Care Deeply
Give Freely
Think Kindly
Act Gently
Be at peace with the world and with yourself.
May the Divine who is Male, Female, Both, and Neither be forever in our hearts

Blessed Be!

I'm not really sure where to begin. It's been awhile since I have made and kept up with a journaling site, so we shall see how things go.

Life is very VERY busy right now.  Between School, Tommy (my son), SpiralGround (my church), St Andrew's Legion (Bagpipe and Drum band), and not to mention Jim (my bf) and my own spiritual growth, I have A LOT of work to do!

I'm really not being moved to really write about anything in particular.... The universe has swung a 2x4 at me a few times during the last week or so and I've been dealing with things that I thought would never happen to me. The main thing being coming out of the broom closet to my family. I almost just wanted to say "I'm a Pagan. That's right: A witch. Get over it!" but of course my life is just not that easy.  Hey! That's what I could write about!!

I've been battling my spirituality for almost 9 or 10 years now. I was always the one kid in church going up to the rector asking the weird questions like “What would happen if God decided to not forgive us of our sins? Like we had totally crossed the line and he said to us "nope, not forgiving you. You messed up BIG time and I can not and will not forgive you. What would happen?" and “We are taught that God loves us no matter what but if you are gay or do bad things or this that or another you are going to hell. What's up with that?" and " Why do we go to God for forgiveness for something that we did to someone else? I mean, if I run into Jane's car or bump into her accidentally in the checkout lane at the grocery store, I would apologize to her and ask for her forgiveness. Why do we have to ask for God's forgiveness too?" you know, stuff like that. I was confirmed in the Episcopal Church when I was in the 4th or 5th grade and I was the only one in my class. My parents wanted me to do it, the staff at church wanted me to do it, but I really didn't want to do it, but I was raised to do as I was told, so I did it. Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty good childhood and I loved going to church. (Mostly to see my friends and play with them) but during church itself, I was bored like many children were and would day dream about the fact that I could be outside, playing in the creek that ran behind my house, or on my swing set, you get the idea. I was just not there!

In July of 1999, I attended the Acadia Institute of Oceanography (I know, I'm a geek) up in Maine. It was there that I met Karl (my first love), Kayt (where I got the spelling of my name), Patrick, and a few others. They introduced me to Paganism and at that time I was curious and fascinated by religion, so I asked them to explain it. They did and at the end of the two weeks of camp, they recommended a book so that I could read up on it some more. I got back home (in Roanoke, VA) and went to the library and checked out the book and really liked it. I wasn't sure about how to get in contact with any other Pagans since I was new to the area and Roanoke is oobber Christian.  I became a solitary witch and went to church so that my parents would think that I was a good girl and would meditate during the sermon.  I did what I had to do, I guess.

Summer of 2001 rolled around and I was off to VCU! There I met this girl named Crystal and we became good friends. We went to the Celtic festival and hung out, but we didn't do anything "religious" even though both of us considered ourselves Pagan. I went to Church to please my parents since they know A LOT of people in Richmond and they would know if I wasn't at church.  January 14, 2002, I found out that I was pregnant with Tommy. While I was excited, I became scared that my family and my "church family" would not take the news as well as Curtis (the father) and I did and they didn't. They continued to be supportive and my family slowly but surely got excited for the new life that was about to come into the world.  Curtis proposed two weeks later and I said "yes" and that brought comfort to our families since they wanted the baby to come into the world to parents who were married. I put my religious studies on the back burner while I worked for Curtis's dad's business during my pregnancy. While working, I met Curtis's cousin, Shawn, and found out that he was pagan too. We talked a little about our religious points of views and became good friends.  Curtis and I broke off the engagement and decided to just be friends which started a cycle of us getting back together and breaking up quite a few times over the next few years. During a time when we were apart around 2003, I met a guy who invited me to come to a Drum Circle at a shop called Witch Way. I went and Crystal was there! I met a slew of new friends there and decided to get back into my religious studies.  
~~~~ Edit~~~~~~
The span of time from Drum Circles at Witch Way until about a year or so ago is kind of blurred. I joined the Chesterfield Pagan Alliance ( a group that is no longer in existence), I was dedicated on Imbolc 2005 by my good friend, Jesse (who I met at Witch Way), I moved back to Roanoke to live with my mom, Came back to town for a Witch's Ball, moved back to Richmond to give the relationship between me and Curtis another try, met a guy named John (that didn't end well), Joined a group called Pagan Families of Virginia, came out to SpiralGround for Beltane 2006, dealt with the deaths of family members with-in what seems to be a short period of time, but was only over the span of a few years (My Aunt Carole 4/18/05, My grandmother 10/6/05, my cat Prince 12/10/05, my cousin Heather 5/5/06, My Granddaddy 6/07, and most recently my Grandpa on 2/14/08).  The fact that my cousin died on Beltane of that year I thought, at the time, was a sign that I should not go out to Spiralground. Don't ask me why... I was dumb and scared. Over the year that I was away from SpiralGround, I still tried to call Sunny every once in a while to say Hi and that I was still alive. I finally decided to come out to SpiralGround with my boyfriend, Jim, for the lunar eclipse on 2/20/08. I was still recovering from Grandpa's death and thought that it would be good to get away for a night or two. I was surprised that I remembered how to get there, this only being the third time that I came out, and the second time actually driving it. Upon arriving, I was greeted by Cat with open arms, he gave me one of those Cat hugs and said "Welcome home, it's great to have you back!" I'm not sure he realized then or if he realizes now how much that meant to me. Followed by a huge hug from Sunny telling me how great it was to see me. I've been coming out to SpiralGround almost every single weekend since. This is my home. I feel and know that for once in my life, I am at the right place at the right time.

I am currently an active member of SpiralGround and part of its Core group of members. I was recently elected to the Church Council as its Co-Chair, which is a HUGE honor to be working alongside Sunny, my best friend and mentor, and a job that I have been taking very seriously. I attended the NPLSC Conference this year and had a BLAST learning about Event Coordination (since that was the track I took) and made some great friends. Sunny and I are constantly doing the work to help this church grow and expand on the principles, mission, and vision that this church was founded on. She is helping me (and others in the future) dive into my spiritual self by designing a three tiered training course which I am as I like to call the "Crash Test Dummy or Guinea Pig" for. I've helped plan the Summer Fest that we had July 4th weekend, the Adult Spiritual retreat that is coming up in October, and in the process of helping to plan our Halloween Festival at the end of October.  I have officially come out of the Broom Closet to my family and Sunny helped by giving me the encouragement that I needed to face them and to explain my beliefs to them. I have done all that I can with them and they can choose to accept it and still love me or not. I am not going to go back to the Christian church because they want me to. I like my church just fine. 

Care Deeply
Give Freely
Think Kindly
Act Gently
Be at peace with the world and with yourself.
May the Divine who is Male, Female, Both, and Neither be forever in our hearts.

Blessed Be!